My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
