highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
