Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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