I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
