The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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