My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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