New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
