I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
