I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
