Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
