like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
