Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
