Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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