She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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