Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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