this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You have to summon your inner elephant
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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