Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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