I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
BRING THE BAGELS
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
