I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
