I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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