that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
