It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
