I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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