I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
