I wish you could order shots online.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
