I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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