how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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