This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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