I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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