I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
do nipples grow back?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize