i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
