just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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