no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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