She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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