They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
