So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
