I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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