I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
