We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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