He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just want nice things and good sex
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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