we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
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