What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
