90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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