....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
