ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
