just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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