I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
