Having a random hookup so left but love u
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
