Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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