My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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