did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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