Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
