I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize