just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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