When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
