I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
