For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
