I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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