I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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