eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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