apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
