college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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