I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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