I think I won the penis lottery.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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