Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I cut my penus on the lid.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize