so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
