first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
i think i just lost a toe
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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