I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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