I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
